Sunday, October 30, 2005

my suggestion for next bush supreme court nominee

my priorities are very focused these days...


Power keeps flickering. Wind howling outside. Broken electric meter and high wind...

Equals losing power? AGAIN?
FPL can't fix broken meter for at least ten zillion months. Or until I die and am buried in an air-conditioned casket.

No more. Cold Showers. No. More. Canned Barfaroni.


Florida chainsaw massacre

Where was Leatherface when I needed him?

I would have made him a great trade. "Dude," I'd have said, "Loan us your killer chainsaw and cut down the tree that's on the hot tub and I'll give you my right leg."

My right leg is killing me now, anyway. Doesn't the bible say, "If your right leg offends thee, cut it off"?
Did Jesus ever chop down a 40-foot tree with a wimpy chainsaw that can barely cut butter?

We had no help today. The great-looking men with chainsaws Cindy Cruciger has spotted are NOT in my area. All our friends had mysteriously vanished. Dh had to get the tree, the "small" one off the hot tub.

He had a dinky chainsaw that was about as effective as a kindergartner's rounded scissors. But we had no choice. So we set at it. FIL was here, he picked up branches.

Dh sawed. I hauled.

We worked 9 hours on the one tree. Finally, we have a backyard. I think there's grass back there.

I took two muscle relaxers and I'm slowly killing a bottle of wine. I still have major back pain. I think I'll go for gas tomorrow. I just hope Dh doesn't file a missing person's report while I'm in a gas line. Work is open. They are squeezing us into a small space. They're called bathrooms. The new printer is a spool of toilet paper and a Sharpie.

Florida room

Before Wilma, at Christmas when Tiger was cold and I bundled him up...

And this is what it looks like now... But rooms can be rebuilt...eventually. Lives can't. 11 more people in South Florida died post Wilma, from generator fumes, falling off roofs, you name it.

I have hopes I can see an insurance adjustor sometime in the next century... and maybe then we can get the new roof we need.

I also believe in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy... lol...

Before and after

I think I need to do before and after photos. this is our garden railroad layout before.

And after, what it looks like now...

What a mess my backyard is...

What would the Pope do?

This is what I did all day yesterday. Well, I was just posing. Our neighbor cut up the tree. I helped haul pieces to the swale.

It was a beautiful, shady tree. Doug, our neighbor, said it had to be at least a half century old. Hardwood, he thinks it might have been mahogany. I wanted to save a small piece, just to grieve. I love trees. I keep telling myself we are blessed and so much better off, despite the damage. Our house is liveable. We have power. Last night a friend came over to shower and do laundry. Half of Broward still has no power and some may not get it back until Nov. 22. Many are suffering greatly, with no jobs and no homes. Many are elderly.

It really annoyed me to read the paper this morning, the first paper we've otten since the storm hit last Monday.

Some guy paid nearly $700,000 for Pope John Paul II's old Ford Escort. It was the kind of car JP II would drive, kinda rundown, ratty, economical. So what would JP II, who always advocated helping the poor, say about spending that ridiculous amount on his car?

He wouldn't like it. And he'd say to the guy who said he wanted it as a reason to get close to JP II's spirit, go help the poor. If you don't want to help them in other countries, there's enough of them right here in the good ole USA.

Like my fellow residents in Broward. Many are jobless, permanently, or won't get paychecks until businesses open. And the evictions are beginning. The county is starting to evict people because some houses or apartments are too damaged to live in. So where are these people supposed to go? Shelters are the last option.

Hurricane Beta is slamming into Nicaragua now. I can't read about it. It's too heartbreaking.

Yesterday we got a lot accomplished. I'm trying to focus on the positive, like our neighbor who came over with his huge power chainsaw when he saw DH struggling to cut the monster tree out front with his puny electric chainsaw. Doug reves up the power chainsaw, and says, "Here, let me help."

He worked ALL AFTERNOON on that tree, cutting it into pieces, thankfully removing the dangerous limb that was hanging over our neighbor's roof. Refused to take anything for it. Said he didn't need anything. DH promised him free electrical work when he needs it. DH and I worked all day trying to remove the tree debris and pile it onto the swale. Every muscle in my body hurts, but it's a good feeling.

I'm trying hard not to get depressed. Like I said, we're blessed. Our house is liveable. What gets me is all around me, my neighbor's houses look terrific. Across the street, our neighbor's house looks like House & Garden. She was trimming her hedges the day after the hurricane, while I was standing outside in shock looking at the wreckage of my yard.

She really bugged the hell out of me, trimming those damn hedges.

Today I'm hopeful we can get to the tree on the hot tub that is blocking 75% of the backyard. If Dh can get the side gate fixed, or even just smash it so we can get in that way, it will make it easier. The root balls of the trees out back are blocking the south side of the yard. Doug told us some tree trimmers are charging $1,000 just to take out the root balls.

The root ball of our tree in the front yard, tipped on its side, is about 15 feet in diameter. Oy.

Okay, must concentrate on good news. We killed a rat last night. Big sucker. He's gone to the great Attic in the Sky. And I have power. I have power. I have power. Today I am going to Target. I heard there is one open. I'm buying Halloween decorations. Damnit, even if we get no kids trick or treating tomorrow, I need to decorate and act like life is normal.

Maybe I'll go get the dead rat out of the garbage and put it on my prissy neighbor's manicured lawn. Just the idea greatly cheers me.

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Oh, rats

They're in the attic.

Must have come inside right after teh hurricane ripped a hole in the roof when the temps dropped down to 56 degrees that night. And now they are sealed inside because DH fixed the hole with plywood. I saw one this morning when I was online, as I had insomnia. It marched across the train tracks back into the attic. See, the train running in our house goes through the attic. So now the rats are using the tracks as an express lane to get into the house.

DH put traps up there. Before Wilma, I would have freaked out with rats running into my house. Now it's just another thing to deal with and move on.

GOOD news... I have fresh meat! Publix was open in Boca, my friend and I went there a couple of hours ago. I grabbed what I could, pork hamburger meat, you name it. Fresh milk! woo hoo! It was a zoo. No real frozen items but pizza. They are the only store open with full power able to stock perishables. And they are the only place open with a working ATM. On the way back we drove down Federal. OMG, there are 4 high voltage power lines lying in the highway! Federal is down to one lane only...and the marina is totally destroyed.

Tonight my friend is grilling out and we're doing a party, with a bonfire with some of my dead tree. I think we need some sort of normalcy. Another friend called and she's clinging to sanity with both hands, as the generator her brother brought down is broken. She still has no power. I can't believe how lucky we are to have power.

Friday, October 28, 2005



And a good wine supply!

My friend and I are headed there tomorrow a.m. Carpooling to save gas. DH spent two hours in a gas line only to have them never power up the station because the yahoos screwed up the generator. Oy.

Tomorrow night my friend is taking our downed tree as firewood, we're roasting marshmellows, toasting each other with wine and doing a "Let's get back to normal" party at her house.

I'm ready. boy, am I ready! And the idea of fresh food has me so damn excited... how weird is that? Today I was ready to grab a free Salvation army meal. I never take charity.

Now I know what it's like to be on the other end...

For dinner, I had canned cheese and crackers again, and I was lucky enough to find some ham frozen since last Thanksgiving. My friend and I had a feast! Dh ate the last of the frozen food I had bought before the hurricane.

Tomorrow is more canned barfaroni, unless I can find some fresh meat. Turkey slices would be GREAT!!! I have gravy, frozen bread, can make HOT turkey sandwiches!!!!

Never thought I'd see the day when I'd be so excited to see a grocery store have fresh food.

120 mph winds

This is the side yard and smashed fence, broken electrical meter and the shutter the wind tore off the window. We had winds of 120 mph.

This is tiger and tia hiding out in friend's house for the second half of Wilma. My friends came down during the eye and rescued me. Poor dogs were so stressed and confused.

This is the back yard I can barely get into because of the tree that fell on the hot tub. The garden railroad layout is half wrecked. The pine tree my FIL planted with the seeds from our wedding is half gone, but I think I can save it.

my front yard

This is the tree that fell in the front. if it had fallen on the house, it would have crushed the bedrooms, even the one where I was hiding. First thing DH did after fixing the broken water main was put the flag out. I think I needed that as much as he did.

I have power!

Thank you God! And the tree guys came to cut down the tree from the house. Oh, my poor house, everything is a mess... can't write about it now,here's some photos. I have insomnia, again.

this is teh back yard, the tree that fell on the house is to the right, the tree that fell on the hot tub and yard to the left.

This is what's left of my Florida room, the room that had a big leak after Hurricane Frances that we fixed. It's really leaking now, lol. You can kinda squeeze through the back door. My poor dogs are so confused. we have no yard now for them. No fence, either. I still can't get through to my insurance company. I think they took their phone off the hook.

Monday, October 24, 2005

it's over

FIL is okay, dh is finally home... friend's house is okay, part of roof is gone.

We have no power. Water is shut off, the tree in the front took out the line.

But this is our house, the back... i can't stop crying... and we can't get the tree off probably for a week. i don't know if it is safe to stay here.

everything is wrecked. the tree my FIL planted on our anniversary is down as well.

And the roof LIFTED OFF of my building at work, there is two inches of water in my work area. Everything is destroyed.

So I don't know if I have a job, either.

Someday, I can look back on this and laugh. Not today. I'm too busy crying. But at least we are all safe. Even the bird.

raining inside my friend's house

part of their roof blew away

Evacuated the house

Friends came and got me during the eye. the roof was still holding when i left, doggies are with me, had to leave poor parrot behind.

dear god, when is this over? all the windows on the courthouse downtown are blown out. trees down all over my neighborhood. now we're getting the back end.

barometer was down to 29.1 when i left.

i hope my car and house and bird will be okay.

i'm so scared

tree fell on our house, water starting to stain the celing, wind is blowing it INTO the house. the other tree fell on the hot tub.

i'm in my "softa safe" room in the master bedroom, shuttered, hiding on the bedroom floor.

please god, let this be over soon. i'm so scared. still can't get hold of FIL.

a tree just fell on our house

i'm so scared...

i hope it hit the florida room roof and not our roof... i looked out and it's leaning against the house. it's one of the big trees in the back. oh god.

it's so bad here. winds have to be at 102 mph.

i'm hiding in the back bedroom. i'm alone with the dogs. i started crying. called DH at the hospital. poor dh, he's trying to comfort me and there is not a damn thing he can do about it.

i tried to pull it together for his sake.

then i told him i want to move. i do. i hate this, oh god, there goes another limb!!!!

when will this be over????

7:44 a.m. tree branches falling on roof, winds whipping

And it's only supposed to get worse, according to Brian Norcross.

I took a shower by candlelight. Figured I might as well be clean if the house falls apart around me, lol. Went into the living room, looked out on the patio and the winds are whipping so hard that the air seems to be compressing. Then went into the kitchen and WHUMP!

big tree branch falls on the roof. I can see it blocking the kitchen window. Oh dear.

I'm not scared. Nope. Not me. LOL!

I wish I had coaxed FIL to come here to stay... just to keep an eye on him. DH just called. He sounded worried. he said he tried calling his dad, but phone kept ringing. I assured him he is okay.

I hope.

The worst weather is supposed to be here in about an hour. Wonderful. The barometer is now 29.3, lowest I've ever seen it.

The irony is we are supposed to get 56 degrees tomorrow night. Hurricane, followed by winter.

Just listening to Brian Norcross on the radio... some poor lady in Davie called in, scared and hiding beneath her "formal dining room table." She lives in a mobile home and didn't evacuate. He told her to stay there.

Oh crap. I just heard another tree branch. Damn!

I think it's time to start drinking now. Like Jimmy Buffett said, it's five oclock somewhere.

6:45 a.m. power out

and here I thought I'd have power for a few hours longer. HA! It went out at 6 a.m. I think FPL shut it off. They do that, DH informed me, transformers start popping.

Winds have increased. Rain started. Barometer still falling. Now 29.5.

Yesterday it was 30.1.

The lowest in the past two years I've seen it was with Hurricane Frances last year. It went down to 29.3. I think it will drop lower than that.

Tia and Tiger, the doggies, are now with me in the living room. They're spooked.

And I have to award Dr. Steve Lyons of the Weather Channel my personal "Gee thanks" award. Just before the power went off, I heard him talk about the high winds we're going to get here and he said there will be bad damage, trees down. He advised, "If you're in a house with trees outside, get into a room where the trees won't fall on the house."

Ha ha ha! We have two very large trees in the back. THREE very large ones in the front.

There is, really, no place in the house I can go and feel safe.

I hope DH is holding out okay and the hospital still has power. He's the electrician, so his job is pretty important in the storm for the back up generators. During Frances, he had to go OUTSIDE at the height of the storm to hook up the spare generator.

I hate hurricanes. Did I mention that already?

5:19 a.m. Wilma now 125 mph, dog snores

Wilma has GAINED strength and is now 125 mph. Forecaster Ed, the geeky guy with glasses from the National Hurricane Center, says all of South Florida should expect Cat. 2 winds in the next six hours.


Barometer continues to fall. Now 29.7. Winds are picking up as we are now getting Wilma's very outer edges. Tia the dog is snoring on her pillow in the bedroom.

I got two more hours sleep. Yay! Maybe I can try for two more?

I am tense, and getting a bit scared. Riding out a hurricane alone is not fun, but this one is going to be bad. I've never been through a storm with winds this high.

I think I'll lose power in about another two hours. If I'm lucky, not before then.

Hopefully, power is all I'll lose.

I wish Cindy and her husband had left the Keys.

I wish my friends in West Palm had left their house near the water.

I wish a lot of things right now.

Like being in New Mexico, scrubbing toilets.

2:30 a.m. QVC sheets, wind gusts

Dh just left for work. He's supposed to drive 40 minutes south to the hospital, where he will be all day. Hurricane Wilma is now a cat. 3 as I had thought, with winds of 115 mph. It's heading for Naples and the worst side will be slamming into my area about 9 a.m. or so. The winds are very breezy right now. Almost delightful. The kind of wind you like sipping margueritas on a lounge chair in the Keys.

I let the dogs outside just now, their fur ruffling in the increasing breeze. Barometer continues to drop, joy to the world. We're supposed to (in the eyes of the grim forecaster at Channel 7) get hurricane force SUSTAINED winds and gusts over 100 mph over here in Broward.


I need to sleep, but I can't. I need to quit watching television. I'm sick of watching the weather forecasters predict doom and gloom. There's nothing more I can do to protect myself, just pray the trees in the front and the back hold out and don't crash. Or large branches fall down. We've never had a "real" hurricane here with sustained winds.

so instead of watching the weather, I'm watching QVC. They're having a special on very pretty patterned sheets. I wonder if it would be too weird to call them up, order some. "Hello QVC? I'm calling from a hurricane. But I had to have those sheets. Even if my house falls apart around me, hey, at least my bed will be pretty."

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Category 3?

Wilma is just now one mile short of a Cat. three.


I don't think I have enough liquor in the bar for a cat. 3.

I hope Cindy Cruciger and Dave and assorted pets will be okay. They didn't evacuate the Keys.

I hope the trees don't fall on our house.

I hope I have enough insurance to cover the damages.

Last one is a joke. Maybe I can sell myself on ebay instead of a roof shingle to cover the damages?

For sale:

Weary Floridian/romance author tired of hurricanes. Will clean toilets in New Mexico in exchange for never having to endure another 8 days of constantly watching The Weather Channel and wishing Jim Cantore would just leave.

Barometer dropping & spooked dogs

Hurricane warning. Wilma will be here by morning. the barometer I have that I set out on the kitchen counter for all hurricanes (six of them since last year) is dropping. Was 30.1 this a.m. Now it's 29.8. Not good. Tried to take dogs out for a walk, they would not go. They're spooked.

Finally we got Tia out on the leash and looked up at the clouds approaching. very eerie.. wind from the southwest, clouds circling in that direction. Yup, hurricane coming.

I'm trying not to get depressed or anxious, but it's tough. DH has to work. They are sending him in at 3 a.m. Hopefully the rough weather will not be here by then. So again, I'm riding out another hurricane alone.

I'm trying to teach the nasty-mouthed parrot, who is now in the living room instead of the patio (see birdie fly in hurricane. fly birdie, fly!) to say, "Wilma, go away." he just stares at me and mutters, "Duh."

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Hurricane watch & Tropical Storm Alpha


Alpha is out there, due to hit Haiti in the next couple of days. The first Greek-named hurricane. I hope he's a wussy Alpha male who's really a Beta. Haiti always has mudslides in ANY tropical storm.

In the meantime, down here in not-so-sunny Florida, my area is under a hurricane watch. Wonderful. Wilma is supposed to hit the west coast tomorrow night/Monday a.m. and we're supposed to get winds just as high, a cat. 2, maybe, on the east coast. The house is shuttered, so is the condo, and I have provisions.

Already we had five inches of rain last night. Some areas down here got flooded.

Is it over yet? Do you know how bizarre it is to shutter up and prepare for a hurricane when down the street, the neighbors have dancing pumpkins on their lawn?


Friday, October 21, 2005

WILMA, Eh bien, continuons!

The line in French from Waiting for Godot means, "Well, let's get on with it!"

Waiting for Wilma. She's battering Mexico. Flirting with Florida, batting her outer bands at us, sultry wench she is, teasing us, promsing, I'll be there FRIDAY. Then, SATURDAY. Then, SUNDAY. Now, MONDAY.

Possibly TUESDAY. Foul wench!

Do I put up the shutters? Or not. Do I take my last hot shower now? Or no? Do I slowly sink into the hurricane chasm of panic, fear and chaos? Or do I just have another beer and watch the Dolphins game?

In the meantime, here's a pix of me in Silverton, CO where Blair has a street named after her. That Blair Valentine, she WILL NOT leave me alone! Now she wants to write a werewolf story. It's halfway done. She's threatening to lock me up until she finishes. I can't write. I'm too stressed about Wilma and DH's surgery next week. Our lives are suspended in a whirling mass of wind, rain and destruction that may arrive. Or may not.

Eh bien, continuons, already!

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Good news, bad news

The good news first...

I sold two more Egyptian books to Dorchester. Yay! The Panther & the Pyramid is Rashid's story from COBRA, and no release date yet. The other is the love story between Jabari's son and Ramses' daughter. It's set in 1919 Egypt. Still have to write it, it's going to be fun.

The other good news is Blair's erotic vamp story, Surrender the Night, is coming out in print from Ellora's Cave as part of a vampire anthology.

The other good news is The Falcon & the Dove, my first book, will be published in Spanish next year. Bueno!

Now for the bad news...

Hurricane Wilma looks like it may hit us this Saturday. DH, who is having surgery next week, will be working. It's the same routine, get gas for the generators, stock up on food, etc. etc.

The other good news?

I just saved a crapload of money on my hurricane insurance by switching to Geico.

HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA! YEAH RIGHT!! No one will insure my house but Larry, Daryl and Daryl's Good Ole Boy Insurance Company.

So that's my news for now. Must go watch The Weather Channel... if only I had stock in that channel, I'd be rich.

And living in New Mexico...

More creative spam

This week's award goes to the yahoo who emailed me one called "New Tricks for Your Penis."

When I stopped laughing, I thought about it. This is actually pretty cool. I don't have a penis, so I don't know if this is possible. Might ask the DH. Can you teach a penis tricks like you can teach Fido?

I visualize a Penis Instruction School, or even Obedience School. "Here boy! Stay! Stay! Good boy!"

Or, "Sit! Sit!" Can come in handy when said penis begins acting up at difficult moments, like, at a highbrow business function when the owner stares at a buxom beauty and penis reacts like an overeager dog.

How about, "Play dead!"

And then you can have the "Attack Penis." Teach your penis to guard your person. Tell it, "Sic boy! Sic now!"

Hmmmm, THAT could be very interesting...

Men sometimes complain they have no control over their penises (peni?) I think Penis Obedience School is just the answer. Put it on a leash, reward it for good behavior and teach it new tricks.

Sunday, October 16, 2005


I miss this already... And now I hear Wilma is on the horizon out in the Caribbean... why is it every time we return from a trip, there's a storm out there?

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Where are we?

I think we're still in New Mexico. The other night we spent in Chama, swinging on the porch swing of our B&B and staring at the moonrise like the old married couple we are. Ten years! And we're still together...

Yesterday we spent in Santa Fe, at the Inn at Santa Fe. We sat at the bar, toasting our anniversary (yesterday) and the bartender told us stories of the celebrities who sat in OUR very same seats when they came to town to film. Like Billy Bob Thorton and Adam Sandler. He said Billy Bob is very quiet and very nice. They film lots of movies in New Mexico that are set in Texas. Don't ask me why. I have no idea.

I love it out here, cold and all. Still, the snow is pretty on the mountains but not so nice when you have to shovel and drive through it. As much as I'd like to see it for Christmas again like I did when growing up, I'll take warm sand, Florida surf and the yule log on television instead.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

A lonely cemetery, rugged mountains

Space. Emptiness. After congested South Florida,

driving through the jagged mountains of Colorado is an experience. Snow tops the peaks, sprinkled like powdered sugar. The cold bites into your skin with needle fangs. Back home it's 87 degrees. Back home there's no green space.

There's a majestic, but haunting loneliness to the mountains. We drove north to Silverton, ambling about the town, shopping, taking in history. I forgot to get the name of the nice lady at the Grand Imperial, who was a housekeeper there for 30 years. She told tales of hauntings, a baby crying in the basement, the tin ceiling that was the original when the hotel was built in 1882. Upstairs we roamed the hallway, peering into suites where men once housed their mistresses, peeking around the corners for glimpses of haunting spirits.

We drove further north to Howardsville, a ghost town. Peppering the mountain slopes about silverton are the corpses of old mines, abandoned now. We stopped on the way back at the Hillside Cemetery, reading the gravestones, shivering in the bitter wind sweeping down the mountain. Or was it the stark, melancholy feeling of the graves, where the silent mountains stand guard over their eternal rest?

Rich in history, tall tales and snow drifts so deep (400 inches a year) that all business shuts down in winter, and business owners board up their windows to prevent snow from breaking the glass, Silverton is a modern day ghost town. Only 300 hardy souls remain here through winter. And just north of the town, outside its limits, on a lonely mountainside slope, is a cemetery where the dead sleep, silently watched over by the rugged mountains.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005


This is what we saw yesterday on the train ride from Durango to Silverton.

Color, everywhere. Talk about timing... the aspens are bursting with gold. Everywhere. Even with the overcast skies, they glow with a golden cast like the metal found hidden in the mountains.

It snowed in Silverton. We froze. Riding an orange train to a town founded on silver. Riding back, we braved the open air gondola car. It was about 41 degrees, 31 in some passes. Yes, we have Floridian blood. But who can pass up the chance to freeze your buns off when back home it's 87 degrees and still hurricane season?

Monday, October 10, 2005

Snow and bunny suicides

It's supposed to snow today in Silverton. It's 25 degrees. Are we crazy? Yup.

Yesterday did some shopping. The bunny suicide book was prominently displayed in one bookstore. If you haven't seen this book, you must just pick it up. It contains all these stupid ways for rabbits to kill themselves. And it's selling like mad. I said to the clerk, "Oh look! The bunny suicide book."

She looks at me with this mournful, serious expression like Wednesday on The Adams Family. "I know. If bunnies kill themselves, what hope is there for the rest of us?"

I think, "OMG, what a head case." But I grin and say, "But think of how tasty rabbit stew is!"

She shoots me this look colder than the snow we'll see today in silverton and snips, "I wouldn't know. I haven't eaten meat in seven years."

I'm thinking, "Yeah lady, I bet you haven't had sex in seven years too." I look at her and say, "In Haiti, we raise rabbits to feed the poor. Of course after, they're still poor but at least they're fed."

She says nothing, quickly wraps my purchase and hands it to me in silence. I leave, telling my husband that some people really need to get a life. Fretting over a silly bunny suicide book that's a best seller?

I love traveling and meeting new people, even ones like her. It's good to get out of the craziness of South Florida and meet crazy people elsewhere. I must say people out here in general are quite nice, friendly and helpful. We met an employee of the Durango Silverton line who spent fifteen minutes talking trains with us. His eyes sparkled as he and my husband chatted about boilers, steam pressure, etc. I just wanted to know if they ran wood or coal burners back in 1882 for a western I'm writing.

So today is snow... and we're going to freeze our buns off. Maybe we'll see wildlife along the train ride. Maybe even rabbits. As long as they don't throw themselves in front of the train, trying to mimic the bunny suicide book...

Thursday, October 06, 2005


Leaving for vacation tomorrow. Blair is still locked up, staying that way. While I'm gone, I expect everyone to catch up on their reading. Reading is fun-da-mental.

I may have good news to report upon my return. Can't share now, very hush hush. ;-)

the magical magnetic dildo

Creative spam email of the week award goes to the soul who emailed me with an offer of a magnetic dildo.

I had to open this. It read, "I shall remember the loss of my tail, and it is necessary for him to interact with machines."

It inspired me to think of a new erotic romance featuring a C-3 PO type of female android who longs for love. She has a long, metal-cast frame with a protruding bosom like the prow of a clipper ship, slender titanium legs and blinking yellow eyes. Let's call her Jugs. Lonely for a real hunk of steel, Jugs can only dream as she watches re-runs of THE WIZARD OF OZ and lusts for the Tin Man. He's not platinum, but will do for her erotic fantasties in which he tenderly caresses her alloy and gives her the best lube job of her life.

Jugs reaches into the tool chest by her bedside and pulls out the new battery-operated toy she got in the mail. The ad promised, MAGICAL MAGNETIC DILDO FOR THOSE SPECIAL BONDING MOMENTS. Jugs flips on the switch and as her eyes feast on the bulging edges of the Tin Man's hard silver frame, the MAGICAL MAGNETIC DILDO drifts between her parted steel thighs...


Jugs blinks and says aloud, "Oh s**t."

It's stuck. She'd bonded all right. For good. Forget dialing 9-11. Call Triple A and ask them to bring a crowbar.

Magnetic dildos. Dangerous beasts, these.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Keep that Longwang away from me

From Wikipedia on Super Typhoon Longwang:

“Despite its violence, Longwang only caused material damage in Taiwan, and claimed only one life.”

If I saw a big Longwang heading in my direction, I’d faint. How does a woman protect herself against a giant Longwang? Does insurance cover it?

Me: Hello State Farm? I live in Taiwan and there's a dangerous Longwang heading right for me. It's huge. I've never seen anything like this before and I don't know if I can handle it. What do I do to protect myself?

State Farm Agent: Click!

Monday, October 03, 2005

I locked Blair up

Yesterday I was doing housework and she tried beating me back into the closet with the mop I used to clean the floor. She insisted on writing. I had a house to clean, a hubby to take care of, dinner for cook for us and my father-in-law.

Blair is admirable for her single-minded devotion to writing. But sometimes she scares me. All she thinks about is writing. She has NO life. She's like a robot in her function. All she knows is push the button, power up the laptop and form words on the keyboard.

If she were a TV show, I'd call her "Desperate Writers." Kind of like Desperate Housewives, only without the sex or fun stuff. Or Bree's nasty, caterwauling mother-in-law. (How DID Rex survive his childhood?)

I'm Bonnie Vanak. I'm an author, a writer but that is not what solely defines me as a person. There is so much more. Blair Valentine is now locked up in the closet. I shooed her in there with the mop, gave her the laptop and wished her luck.

The last thing I heard was a pitiful sigh, followed by these ominous words...

"I'll be back..."