Monday, August 22, 2005

Oh, those pesky giant Japanse raccoon testicles!

Good weekend. Still going to Haiti in two weeks. Oy. I need a humorous diversion. Okay then. Japanese cartoons tend to baffle and amuse me. FARK has a great story about a review of a Japanese cartoon released on DVD.

“Heisei tanuki gassen pompoko” was the movie’s Japanese name. “Gassen pompoko.” Sounds what Tia, my female Shih Tzu, does when she’s finished choking down her dinner.

Scott Chitwood, reviewing this movie for Coming, writes, “As the movie progressed, an older male raccoon asked all the other male raccoons to sit on a large red carpet. The carpet then transformed and folded up between the male raccoon’s legs. Yes, he transformed his scrotum into a giant carpet. Again, I said, “Was that what I thought it was?!?” It got weirder from there. Later in the film, a bunch of raccoons start flying in formation to attack the humans. Their testicles then swell up to about 10 feet in diameter and they dropped out of the sky and flattened the humans with their massive balls.”

I’ve heard of all kinds of military maneuvers, but never giant raccoon testicles being used as weapons of mass destruction. Hmm. I wonder if the Pentagon is onto this?

Okay, I’ve got a great idea for a new romance novel. It’s “ballsy”.

A romance novel with a muscled, studly hero shapeshifter who changes into a raccoon. His man-part holder swells to ten times its size. Kick Ass Heroine is much impressed when said man-part turns into flying carpet taxicab. He takes her for a magic carpet ride.

Raccoon then does the slow mo move from “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” at the mall when his beloved gets into a catfight with another female shopper over the last pair of Manolo slingbacks. He takes his giant testicles, slaps the bitch silly with them. Whap whap whap. Stunned, she collapses to the floor, muttering about bad LSD flashbacks and resolving never to wear anything but flats again.

But…oh no! The Manolos are GONE! Who took them? Raccoon-Scrotum Man and his sexy chick prowl the mall for the thief, sniffing down clues while stopping at the food court for some marvy cheese fries and having sex in the restroom during which he shapeshifts back to Handsome Hero with a 10-inch dong, but normal sized testicles.

The book ends with a thrilling conclusion of Raccoon-Scrotum Man and Kicking Ass Heroine chasing down the missing Manolos in “Bed, Bath & Beyond” where they are being used as a plant holder. Delighted, kick ass heroine dons shoes; then she and raccoon scrotum man have hot sex in the linens section. The new Manolos leave a heel imprint on the ecru duvets marked half price.

Chick lit paranormal romantic suspense erotic romance. Call it Crotch-swinging Raccoon, Not Hidden, but Dragging.


Toni Lea Andrews said...

I have forwarded your proposal to my publisher. If you can work in a steamy sex scene, they're all ears.

Bonnie Vanak said...

Hmmm, dunno if I can write those. Let me try...

thrust thrust thrust
scream scream scream
thrust thrust thrust
pant pant pant
scream groan scream

Will that suffice? ;-)


C.L. Wilson said...

ROFLMAO. Oh, Bonnie, tooo freaking funny!