So I’m trying not to think about Margaret Hassan’s death. I’m trying not to think about a lot of things, such as my trip to Haiti next month. Or the state department warning how dangerous Haiti is because of increased violence, carjackings and kidnappings.
Instead, I’m diverting my mind by thinking about sex.
Sex and pairing up odd couples in bed. Famous characters/celebrities, past and present. How would they react to each other? Kind of like that reality show, Wife Swap, only they’re in bed, not just doing the housework. So far I’ve come up with these:
Mr. Spock & Samantha from “Sex & the City”: Samantha is fascinated by his pointed ears, and wonders if they are an indication of something equally odd and kinky on other body parts. Mr. Spock, being a Vulcan, and only experiencing the mating urge once every seven years, does not think Samantha’s inclination to “lick his nipple like a chocolate-covered cherry” is logical.
Robert DeNiro & Laura Ingalls from "Little House on the Prairie": Laura is totally confused as to why DeNiro wants her to wear Victoria’s Secret crotchless panties instead of her nice white lawn nightgown.
Yoda & Miss Piggy: Yoda tells her “There is no try. Only do.” She replies, “Yada Yada Yada, then DO it instead of trying” and decides to relinquish her penchant for little green creatures, even Kermit the Frog.
Mrs. Cleaver & Howard Stern: She insists on clean white sheets and doing it under the covers and worries the Beaver might accidentally walk in looking for Wally. When he leers at her and tells her what he would love to do to her Beaver, she hits him over the head with her iron.
Adrian Paul in “Highlander” & Roseanne Barr: She grabs her crotch and starts braying “America the Beautiful” as she undresses. Adrian wishes he were time traveling back to Yee Old Scotland and seriously contemplates the joys of living as a monk.
Gandalf from “Lord of the Rings” & the Wicked Witch from “The Wizard of Oz”: She insists on being on top and wearing ruby spike heels. She sneers and says her broomstick is bigger than his staff. Disgusted, Gandalf hoses her down with a bucket of water and trots off to seek a little action with Glinda the Good Witch because he secretly loves the way she wiggles her magic wand.
Judge Judy & Donald Trump from “The Apprentice.” Battle between the bedsheets. He does the “cobra” and tells her she’s fired after she proclaims sentencing on his technique. AND criticizes his hair.
Cartman from “South Park” & “Sponge Bob”: Let’s not even go there…